There are seven things that make a big difference to how your child behaves in any environment. In the debate between Nature versus Nurture, it must be said that parents do have massive potential to help nurture a child to become a kind, caring, loving, harmonious individual who is well-liked, well-respected and capable of joining in. There is no definitive guarantee of course, but your work is a kind of quality assurance. By sheer default, (a happy one at that) these seven things also help a child to build their creative store, filled with imagination, innovation and ideas. A child who grows up nurtured by the steady hand of creative parenting is ready to rule the world!
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Number 1: THEIR ENVIRONMENT MAKES A BIG DIFFERENCE
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The number one thing is to recognize that the environment that surrounds the child will play a large part in determining their social adaptability. If we understand that everything that goes in MUST come back out, (sadly, a little known universal rule) then this makes sense.
Practical Task:
Create a list of the values you want in your home and school. Make them tangible and attainable. Be patient and gentle with yourselves as you strive to implement these into your homes and lives. These become the guiding lights that keep you focused on your family goals.
Example:
In our home, we use kind voices to each other.
In our home, we sit together for meals and share stories of our day
In our home, we use manners like please, thank you, waiting for a turn to speak
In our home, we walk inside
In our home, we care for our things and pack our toys away each day
In our home, we make time for art everyday
In our home, we mostly cook our own healthy meals.
In our home, we all help to keep the house tidy (eg children have jobs to do daily)
Share these with your children. Invent techniques to ensure these have an impact. Daily modeling of our values helps of course. Imitation is one of the best teaching tools out there. Children might like to draw posters, collaborate on vision boards or help you cook some of those healthy meals with produce from your home-grown veggie patch. Just be sure to use YOUR creativity and imagination to get the point across.
Number 2: RHYTHM IS KING!
Children LOVE and NEED predictability. The more predictable and 'boring' your life might seem to you, the more helpful it is for your child. Regular meals, bed-times, rhythms and expectations provide a source of security for the child. (Just remember, with each year you can bend the rules a little. The stronger the platform of regularity in their early years, the more they will cope with change later on. Be reassured that it will end soon enough!)
Rhythm is the key. This is routine, with the added benefit of 'mindfulness'. A rhythm with equal parts 'breathing in' (focused, directed work) followed by a time of 'breathing out' (play, outside time, free action) creates a balanced life for you all. With rhythm, the child learns that there is a time for play, for work, for rest, for sleep and that it will happen again tomorrow.
Practical Task:
Have a look at your week with your children. Can you create daily and weekly rhythms so help children know certain things happen at certain times?
Examples:
The bedtime routine- does it flow? For example, eating dinner at the table with family, followed by bath, a story, a song, tonnes of kisses and finally bed. Is it consistent?
Do you visit the library every Wednesday for story time? Or before you pick up your other child from Ballet? Do you always choose '5' books?
Do you have a 'cleaning' or 'cooking' day? Can the children help you in your tasks? For example, by using a small broom or dustpan/brush? By chopping vegetables for 'soup' day? By helping you hang out some of the washing on a portable rack?
Do you have a family night? For example, fish and chips and video Friday? Or 'walk on the beach Sunday'? Or Pizza Stone Tuesday?
Number 3: CONSISTENCY OF OUR ACTIONS IS ESSENTIAL
Whatever you choose to incorporate into your home life, you need to make sure they are things you really WANT to do. Children depend on the regularity of activities and actions in their life. Children learn a sense of trust, or distrust, based upon the adults in their life doing things as they said they would do. If you miss things you have planned to do, children begin to wonder if they can trust you and what you say.
Practical Task:
Make a list of things you love to do, the ones that support your creative needs. Guaranteed, these things will be the easiest regular activities to implement in your home life rhythm. Be sure to include these in your future plans.
Example:
If you love to cook, you will want to share this with your children.
If you love to sew, you can find ways to do it around your children. Sew things for them, get them involved with a simple sewing task, make things together.
If you love a clean house, show your children how to use a broom or wiping cloth.
If you love to read, make quiet reading time part of your day.
Imitation is a powerful tool for young children.
Number 4: BOUNDARIES ARE BEAUTIFUL
In our culture, many parents want to be 'friends' with their children and wonder why the children don't listen or respect them or keep pushing their limits. Children need strong boundaries and this includes knowing their place in your family group. Parents are, and must be, the bosses- it is as simple as that. (My mantra, when things are going awry and I am tempted to give in is "I am the boss. When you are older, it will be your turn"). We must make the rules and set the boundaries and children need to learn to follow.
In a preschool setting, when a new group arrives for the first time, the biggest challenge is managing the children whose parents have never set them a boundary. When we ask them to do a task, they often whine or react angrily with shouts of "I don't want to". There are often five and six-year old tantrums!! Demonstrating a tantrum at five or six years old is NOT a normal behaviour. Yet, luckily for teachers, our practice of setting tasks, having an expectation and responding to every outburst or concern in a consistent manner helps these children to respond and change their outward behaviours very quickly. Parents are often surprised at the flow-through that occurs then from school to home and are delighted with children who respond more readily.
Children want parents to be in charge. They expect a limit. They will keep pushing UNTIL they find YOUR limit. If the limits change every time, the pushing will keep going until they find a result. Set your limits and watch what happens! Boundaries work like magic.
Practical Task:
Prepare a list of your limits. This way, when you are stuck in a situation, with a million things going on in your head, you will have an automatic response.
Examples:
We eat lollies (candies) at parties or family gatherings only (This reminds you to not buy them when you pick up a video or are under pressure at supermarket check-outs)
We go to bed by 6.30pm on kindergarten nights
We have 3 stories before bed
We eat our sandwiches/meal thing first (yoghurts, cheese, fruit after)
We sit at the table until everyone is finished.
We watch videos and television on weekends only
Number 5: SET THE CHILDREN UP FOR SUCCESS
Have realistic expectations of your child and what they are capable of, and can cope with. It helps to think of them similar to a new puppy needing puppy training. We have to try again, and again, and again before they integrate the knowledge of what to do (and what NOT to do!!) in a situation, and for it to become a natural part of their makeup.
Researcher, Dr. Arnold Gessell, PHD, MD, "developed a set of norms illustrating sequential and predictable patterns of growth and development." These can help us to see what can be expected and what is normal for a particular age range. From these, we can develop our expectations of what our children can and can't do. When we know this, we can ensure we provide the kinds of situations our children can thrive in, and change other ones for a better fit.
Practical Task:
Visit the Gessell Institute website for fact sheets on 'ages and stages'. Armed with this knowledge, plan for your child.
Example:
A two-year old cannot yet be expected to know how to share toys. What do we do?
Provide multiples of toys in one style. For example, yellow digging scoops, red/blue/yellow bikes, red buckets, pink cloths, brown-haired baby dolls
Limit the amount of children in their social group. For example, two-year old= two other children (may be within a larger group if parents are present, but split group into mini groups in play, for example, three children in home corner, three children in sandpit)
Provide appropriate time frames. Two-year old = two-hour limit.
Choose your friends and families who support your parenting style and values by providing healthy food for meals (reduce food reactions), by responding to challenging behaviours in a similar way as you (modeling what to do, rather than punishing child) and having child-friendly homes.
Number 6: SLEEP NECESSITIES
Young children need sleep. Actually, lots of sleep. Sleep deprivation is a major cause of tantrum and challenging behaviours. Ensure your child has a solid sleep preparation routine for the best outcome. The more a child is given healthy opportunity to sleep, the more a child WILL sleep.
Practical Task:
Ensure these things are in place to help make 'sleep' in your home a non-issue.
Questions:
Can the room be made dark? Are there block-out curtains? YES or NO
Is the decor in the room simple? For example, plain patterns on bedspreads, duvets and blankets. Are the toys in view or can they be hidden away at day's end? YES or NO
Is the room warm in temperature? Is the room warm in 'nature' or mood? (Warm in nature might be to gauge the 'temperature' of relationships and connections in the home, whether the child has a feeling of safety and strong bonds with parents? YES or NO
Is there a consistent 'going to bed' preparation routine? YES or NO
Does the child have a sleep companion? A night-light or a teddy or soother? YES or NO
Has the child eaten sufficient dinner? Had a final drink? Wearing warm enough clothes? YES or NO
Hint: A warm bath in a bathroom with dimmed lights has the effect of lulling children's brains into preparatory patterns for sleep. Keep lights dimmed on the way to their room as sudden exposure to bright light negates this state and encourages wakefulness again.
Number 7: TAKE TIME OUT!!
The final step is the most important!! We all need to remember this one!!
Firstly accept that this work demands OUR ATTENTION. Parenting, especially full-time parenting, is THE MOST DIFFICULT JOB IN THE WORLD!! I have heard parenting described as an 18-year contract with no pay, high demands and not even a holiday. Be gentle with yourself.
It takes time to make this kind of thinking natural. When we first put our attention on setting up a home rhythm and a warm, inviting environment, it is much easier for us to keep striving. These things become natural to us quite quickly and we are soon met with positive results in our children and the way they manage in the world. We then keep striving. Whilst we strive for our best, it is also important to take some time out. We all love our children but it is also healthy every now and then to spend time away from them. It is the meaning behind the familiar saying, "It takes a village to raise a child". Our children need to learn from this village community, our extended families and beloved friends just as we need time to be adults, to socialize with our partners and spend time out in the big wide world. We need time to just BE!! Time out will increase your patience and your ability to be a great role model. Just what the children need from us.
Practical task:
Today, organise an opportunity to spend ONE HOUR doing something for you. Ask a grandparent, a friend or your partner to mind the children and go.
Ideas for your alone time:
Join a scrap-booking class
Attend a movie with a friend
Walk barefoot on the beach, alone
Enjoy an ice-cream from Baskin Robbins
Stretch in yoga poses
Make a pot of tea and drink it all- HOT!!
Take a nap!!
Resilience and coping strategies to cope with whatever life throws them are essential for children in these current times. Creating a solid foundation in the early years through their outward actions helps solidify the pathways and patterns in the brain. With a solid platform, a child emerges like a butterfly from a cocoon. Our children will one day thank us for helping them to fly!
References:
The Gessell Institute. http://gesellinstitute.org/
Resilience and Young Children: Coping Strategies for Children for Home and School
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Nov 27, 2011 08:48:49
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